I wouldn’t consider myself a people pleaser. This is because I have this rebellious streak which prompts me to reject a request if I don’t agree to the reason behind the request. Nevertheless, I do have my fair share of people-pleasing moments.
Surprisingly though, I regret very few of those moments. By God’s grace, I don’t hold much in my fist – most of the time, the matter is too trivial to expend my assertive energy upon.
Now, before self-love proponents come at me for the above statement, my point is – choose carefully when to make people happy and when not to. What we choose to do will have consequences, not only upon ourselves, but also the person affected by our action.
The consequence of pleasing another person is much more than making that person happy. If you overdo it, you might end up setting that person up for failure. It’s like getting your child a no-limit credit card now and risking his/her bankruptcy in future.
If you recognise the people pleasing tendencies in you, you would have read all those psychological articles about the causes of such tendencies and how to cure yourself from being a people pleaser. So, I won’t be rehashing all the points that are already on the internet. Rather, I will be sharing my own perspective on this matter.
Why do I try to please another person?
Without going into the psychological aspect, my observation is that there are two main motivations for trying to please another person:
1. To protect myself.
Ever tried doing above and beyond your responsibilities to fulfil unreasonable demands from your immediate superior? Provided you have a (supposingly) defined job scope and a strictly professional relationship with your superior, this is pleasing another person due to self-protection. More so when the superior is responsible for your performance appraisal and promotion prospects.
“If I don’t complete it by today, he might think I’m not doing my job.”
“She’ll ask a lot of questions if we don’t put in some comments.”
“Although it won’t work, I’d better follow this method or my boss will come at me.”
Likewise, perfectionism can also signal people pleasing tendencies. I, unfortunately, often use perfection to try (emphasis on “try”) to please those viewing my work. High standards, by themselves, are not wrong. However, defining your worth by how well you meet them in the eyes of others is not right.
2. To protect the other person emotionally.
Empathetic, thoughtful, and caring people are prone to fall into this. Now, it is NOT wrong to ensure that your actions do not hurt another person. Nor is it wrong to go beyond your duty to bless another person who is having a bad day and need the encouragement.
However, it is also important to get out of that tunnel vision of only caring about the other fellow’s feelings. By seeing the big picture, occasionally there will be times when doing the right thing will cause some hurt feelings.
Admittedly, the above is easier to do when the other party is not a loved one. If you care for that someone, naturally you wouldn’t want to let him/her down.
It is in our human nature to ensure our own safety and to avoid pain. Most of the time, it is easier and familiar to say “Yes” than to face the unknown reactions if we venture to say “No”.
However, if you care for your husband, wife, child, friend, colleague, superior, parent, family member or whoever that may be, there is this truth:
People pleasing cannot protect or heal the very person you are trying to please.
Sometimes the current pain is shielding you from greater pain which may come had you chosen the other way. Which one is worse: to say “No” and hear the complaint now, or to say “Yes” and break the promise you can’t keep in the first place?
Pleasing another by imposing too-high standards on yourself? Isn’t it a misrepresentation of your humanity if you lead others on to think that you are perfect?
Hence, the next time someone makes a request of you, be careful before saying “Yes”. Don’t set your loved one and yourself up for relationship breakdown by making promises you can’t keep. Don’t give a rose-tinted opinion if it means hiding errors that could cause the work project to fail.
Repeat after me: People pleasing cannot protect or heal the very person you are trying to please.
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